I hate myself
I really do
Why am I like this
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I can't take the pressure
I really can't
It's too much
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I'm so stupid
I really am
I've tried and failed two times
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I look stupid
I really hate it
Why can't I be myself
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I'm insecure
I really try not to be
But I keep being so
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I can't think straight
I really...
I can't.
I can't do this.
This is stupid.
Why.
Whywhywhy
W
H
Y
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No one will read this anyway...
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I think I shouldn't be alive.
Not only because I genuinely hate myself, but because I've tried to kill myself two times and didn't even come close to dying.
I regret not trying harder.
But I'm grateful for being alive.
I really am...
Both, I mean.
At the same time.
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I don't know how to explain it.
It's weird.
Like a double edged sword I guess.
And I'm grabbing it by the blade.
Weird, isn't it?
Or is it just me.
That's weird, I mean.
Am I weird?
Can anyone actually be weird?
Isn't it all just perspective?
I dunno dude.
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Let me check something.
Please.
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December 25th 2024...
That's when I started labeling myself as trans.
MtF to be specific.
Damn.
Not too long ago.
Feels so long ago.
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I feel weird.
In my body, I mean.
I shouldn't have a dick.
Or balls.
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I should have titties.
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It probably sounds like a joke, but I'm being serious.
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I just want to be myself.
Who knows what my mom would say or do.
I'm pretty sure she's supportive though.
But I'm still scared.
So fucking scared of what could happen.
I'm only 14.
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My mom, she
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makes me feel bad.
Not all the time, but she does.
It feels like she makes me feel bad more times than good.
You understand, right?
Maybe not from experience, but just from what I said.
You get what I mean?
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I feel like shit when I say that.
She puts a lot of effort into me.
Still though, the times she makes me feel like shit overpower the times she made me feel good.
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It still feels like shit when saying it.
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I feel forced to love her, and I don't know if she actually did anything wrong to me or if it's just my autism or ADHD.
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Then again, my therapist told me that that wasn't an excuse.
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I dunno.
I just want to be happy.
It's surprisingly hard to not feel bad.
Even for just one day.
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I think I would need more than one day though.
I dunno.
One day will probably not feel like enough.
Then again I'll never be enough.
So what's the point?
None.
So why didn't I kill myself yet?
I tried two times and failed.
That's pathetic.
Why try again if I know I'll just fail again.
And again.
And
again.
A
N
D
A
G
A
I
N.
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I'm a failure.
I mean it.
I really do.
Nothing I do is good enough.
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For me, at least.
I can never be good enough for me.
And I never will.
Not because my expectations are to high.
Because I'm too stupid to reach my expectations.
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Sorry.
For wasting your time.
Go do something good.
That's better than me.
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God I'm fucking pathetic.
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Well, it seems like
I
just can't stop making
E
V
E
R
Y
T
H
I
N
G
about
M
Y
S
E
L
F.
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Help.
Don't, actually.
I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve ANYTHING I have.
A
N
Y
T
H
I
N
G.
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I'm being serious.
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I really want to end it.
I
REALLY
do.
But I can't.
I'll just be a failure.
If I succeed or fail at trying to killing myself for the third time, I'll be a failure.
No matter what.
So why try?
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Goodbye.
For now.